Or should I send him this one?

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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’

And that’s when the fight started…..

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…..

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend                                 2. a companion

3. a lover                                  4. a brother

5. a father                                 6. a master

7. a chef                                     8. an electrician

9. a carpenter                        10. a plumber

11. a mechanic                       12. a decorator

13. a stylist                              14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist                16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator     18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer                              20. a good listener

21. an organizer                     22. a good father

23. very clean                         24. sympathetic

25. athletic                               26. warm

27. attentive                            28. gallant

29. intelligent                          30. funny

31. creative                              32. tender

33. strong                                 34. understanding

35. tolerant                              36. prudent

37. ambitious                          38. capable

39. courageous                       40. determined

41. true                                      42. dependable

43. passionate                        44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly          46. love shopping

47. be honest                                                       48. be very rich

49. not stress her out                                        50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries or arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State-Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and the siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State-Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, you have a good day.

Why keep aspirin by your bedside?

There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain on the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently. Note: There may be no pain in the chest during a heart attack. The majority of people (about 60%) who had an heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.

If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water. Afterward – phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by – say “heart attack!” – say that you have taken 2 aspirins. – take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and… ~ do NOT lie down ~ A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after reading this, gets just 10 more people to read it, probably one life can be saved! I have already shared the information– What about you?

JR Dunn understands just what an engagement ring means to us women.  If he didn’t, he sure wouldn’t have the quality and beautiful diamond engagement rings he has.  His jewelry store is absolutely fantastic.  Even if you’re already engaged or married, if you want to win some great brownie points with your girlfriend or wife, his jewelry store is the place to start.  It’s like that old song Marilyn Monroe sang ‘Diamonds are a girls best friend’ and that makes whoever buys them for her, her best guy.

He replied, “She called Four Horse”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered,  “It old Indian Name.  It mean, NAG,  NAG,  NAG,  NAG!!

I bet a lot of men consider their wives this same way.  Now watch and there will be a bunch of men walking around telling this one but saying something like, my wife’s Indian name is………………………..  You just wait and see!!

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’  After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS. ‘ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’